More than This

I kept quiet when I shouldn't have, i know more than people seem to realize , I find it easier to talk to a stranger and tell them my truths, than to tell my closest friends my darkest secrets

. 

Is this all I am going to be, a person who can't fully reach her potential cause she is just so afraid to talk to someone in fear of being judged. 

But what I don't realise is that I am judging myself more harshly than anyone else can. I can feel the cracks in my barriers because of judgments I give myself. 

My writing may have a million errors but that is because I want the post to be as raw as possible and not looked like made up, because I know the moment I start editing I will not come up with any posts. The truth is that this is my 5th try in writing this post cause I don't want you to know my story for that same fear holds me back, but like i said in my heading  I want more than this, whoever I am today and the person I'll be tomorrow and the day after that and so on.

I made a resolution last year to open up, and I did but not really. No one really knows what is going on in my head but that is not what I really desire. What I want is to have a heart to heart with the right person and to get some feeling of relief than always having this fear of loosing out, loosing out on people, on life, on studies, on myself.

This is not a post about my depressing life, this is a post which i realised today that if read may help another talk, talk about drowning in their own life, talk about wanting a helping hand, hoping they find the release from this feeling that i can't.

My life is amazing, I am in one of the best colleges for my courses, I am living in a place everyone dreams of;  I have more than I can ever want, I have my achievements but am still afraid I'm not enough. Then why is my mind like this?  Is it messed up, or am I making it a mess.

 I am not a mental case , I just don't know how to ask for help.

I have friends but are they even my friends if they know next to nothing about me, is it my fault we talk about everything but me? Is that why I am always left behind?

 I have dreams just because I haven't seen them yet does not meant that they don't exist.

I want to know more, love more, see more, live more. overall, i just want to be More.

More open about what i am, what i wanna be and who i believe i'll always be.

I want more strength to take what is thrown at me, i want to just feel more without having the burden. This burden i can't explain nor describe.

Maybe One day, One day ill be more than who i am today and maybe ill walk further, know more, live more and have a person working hard enough to break my barriers to see me, i will be more independent but not isolated . 

Hope some one reads and relates to this despite its mistakes. 

Maybe one day i'll write a post with zilch mistakes, and hope you'll be here to see it.